The Inkling

There were one or two inklings that something was wrong...

I woke up Saturday morning, February 22, 2003 to the baby doing somersaults in my tummy. He did this every morning and evening and could be pretty active during the day, as well. Ed and I knew he was a boy, but we told no one else. We'd known since October. I wanted another boy. I wanted to name him after my brother. So we used Mike's middle name and Ed's older brother Tom's name. Our son, Grayson Thomas, was to be named after two much-loved brothers. I loved his name! I wanted a little boy I could call "Grayson" or "Gray."
As I said above, we told no one else he was a boy. Everyone was taking bets on the sex. Lindsey, our older daughter, just knew the baby was a boy until her aunt informed her that her dad had slipped. She,her aunt, had everyone convinced the baby was a girl. He was our eighth child. First, third, or eighth child - it doesn't change how very much you love them, nor how very much you desire them. I have seven children still living, a stepdaughter, and seven grandchildren (with an eighth due in January), yet there is still such a void, an empty place in my heart. I long for my son.
But back to Saturday ... I felt fine while laying in bed, however, once I was up and moving I felt a little crampy. We had a busy day ahead of us. Ed was working til 2:00 pm, then we would drive to Spring Hill for our goddaughter, Kearson's fourth birthday party, and then down the expressway to Tampa we'd go for our stepdaughter, Marisa's 30th birthday at a restaurant. It was a surprise. When I have cramps with my period, I get them a little different than most - in my joints; my knees and my thigh joints. Those are the type of cramps I was getting.
I cleaned my house, but felt like I shouldn't be moving around so much. I thought I was going into labor. I had a c-section sceduled for March 18th. I knew the timing was a bit premature, yet I knew he'd be fine if he came this early. My friend, Debbie, whose daughter's birthday we were celebrating, had all her children around 35 weeks. That was the safety zone. She would start going into labor with hers around 20-24 weeks along. It was always the doctor's goal to get her to 35 weeks, then they'd let her deliver. Grayson was 35 weeks along. I always feel like I have to explain this more in depth because when people hear he wasn't due just yet they say "oh" as if that takes away from the validity and reality of his life - and I have to say that I, too, once thought that way. Ignorantly so. What a fool I was. How many people have I hurt? I wonder - because I, too, have been hurt by someone unknowingly making out that his life wasn't that significant. What I have come to realize and understand is the mother knows that child. From the moment she's aware of a life growing inside her, she knows that child. Just as the psalmist spoke of God the Father in Psalm 139, "You are intimately acquainted with all my ways,..."
I realize I didn't know my son like my God, my Creator, my Savior knew him; yet, I, too, was intimately acquainted with his ways. His first movement was at 16 weeks, and he was, by far, my most active singleton I ever carried. My tummy was often lopsided or you'd see it dancing away. I "knew" my son, even though I'd yet to meet him.
I began to recognize I was cramping regularly. Labor pains, I knew. On the way to Debbie's, Ed and I were bickering a little, probably because we were late. I drive him crazy! I'm always late. I don't plan to be; it just happens that way. Well, I noticed my cramps were every 8 minutes. For labor that's far enough apart not to get too worried. I just needed to pay attention to them. Ed didn't know anything was going on at this time. I usually don't tell him until I know for sure. He panics. Seven kids, and he still panics!
At Debbie's, I felt very weak. I was kind of inside myself. I don't know how else to describe the feeling. I guess I was not feeling much a part of the party, very introverted. Debbie wanted to show me something in her playroom. I told her to give me a minute. I wasn't feeling too energetic. I just needed to sit a moment. Then I felt rude that I didn't pop up to see what she wanted to show me (I don't even remember what it was now). So I arose and followed her into the playroom. We talked a little while and I still didn't feel very strong, so I told her I didn't feel well (was I being a wimp?) and I was going to sit back down.
Soon after I sat back down, I felt a "pop!" and I was saturated with wetness. "Oh, my goodness!" I thought,"My water just broke! I've never had my water break before!" I called Ed's name. He was watching a ballgame of some sort. He got irritated with me.
"What?!" he said.
"Come here," I said quietly.
"What?!" he asked again, looking agitated.
Alright, I thought, I'll just blurt it out. "I think my water just broke."
He was at my side in a heartbeat. I was given the phone to call my doctor. I left a message that my water had broken. Debbie brought me a towel to wrap myself so I wouldn't be embarassed because of all the water.
When I stood to wrap the towel around me, I saw the blood - lots and lots of oozy, slimy blood!
I said, "oh, I'm bleeding."
I didn't realize it wasn't normal to bleed when your water breaks. Debbie told me, "Sandi, that's not normal."
"oh," was my reply. Then I had a couple more gushes of water/blood come out. It was running from the chair to the floor underneath and pooling up. I thought my c-section scar had ruptured. I knew I needed to get to the doctor quickly. My doctor then returned my call.
I told her, "my water broke, but I'm gushing blood!"
She told me to hurry on down to Tampa. She was waiting for me. But we never made it.

Some Background

I really feel I want to share my journey into Grayson's Meadow. I'm not sure how to go about it. I guess I'll start with some background...


I have 8 children. I have always wanted a large family. 10 kids when I was younger, 6 kids when I was getting married. My attitude now - however many God wants to give me, but at 46, I'm sure 8 is as far as I'll go. I consider myself very blessed. I do not feel I've missed anything in life; I do not feel inferior if I'm around a woman of impressive career. I am right where I'm supposed to be and I'm content, and yet I look forward to the future.
My oldest 2 children came into my life when they were 5 and 3. They were from my husband's first marriage and in his constant care. I stepped in as "mom" when they were 5 and 3. They are my children. I love them with an intense and fierce love, as I love the children I've birthed. There is no difference in the love I feel toward them. When my oldest 2 were 10 and 8, I gave birth to my first biological child. 4 years later, I had another. 4 1/2 years later, I had another. 5 years later I gave birth to identical twins. 2 1/2 years later I gave birth to another. And I have a stepdaughter (actually a half step step daughter!) She is my husband's stepdaughter from his first marriage, and a vital part of our family. Including her, there are 9 children.
My children were all vivacious and completely healthy. Every pregnancy was amazing. Sure, I started off nauseous for the first 3 months, but when I hit the 4th month, my world became wonderful again. My last pregnancy came very unexpectedly, but welcomed with excitement all the same. My twins were not quite 2 when I found I was pregnant again. This pregnancy was different. I asked the Lord to spare me the sickness. I truly could not function if I were nauseous with trying to keep up with 2 year old very active boys! So, I was just sick in my mouth, if that makes any sense. It was a yucky taste I was given and not that whole "lay on the couch, do nothing because I absolutely can't stand it" sickness.
This baby was extremely active. The most active singleton I'd ever been pregnant with. My pregnancy was wonderful up until the day I went into labor. I had labor pains every 8 minutes. Later in the day my water broke, but it wasn't only my water. I was gushing blood! We rushed to the hospital. The heart monitor told me my baby was okay. An hour and a half later, I had lost 40% of my blood, and my baby was dead.


This is what I want to write about. As I'm able (and as I have my act together) I will post different excerpts from that journey - the journey into Grayson's Meadow.